Resources/Articles
Is Your Heart a Safe Place for Your Spouse?
Sexual abuse. Temptation of attraction to someone other than your spouse. Pornography. Drug abuse. Uncontrolled spending. Lack of spirituality. Which item in the former list would be best be able to discuss with your spouse should he/she reveal to you his/her weakness in that area?
Some spouses have never before heard, seen, or discussed these subjects. They did not see this in their “growing up” years. Another spouse may have “grown up” hearing or seeing it every day or at least once a week. Whatever the environment in which you were raised, your experiences influence how you handle those same events should they occur in your marriage. When expectations in your marriage of having a “drug-free” home is in your heart, it is shocking when the news is revealed to you by your spouse that he/she is involved. If your “growing up” years were full of sexual and violent abuse, news of your spouse being involved in multiple affairs and pornography may be handled with hate, blame, separation, and divorce, because that is how you saw it done.
Ephesians 4.29 says, “for no man ever hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as Christ also the church.” Herein lies the key to creating a marriage where a husband and wife can reveal themselves to one another. My attitude and action have a lot to do with whether my wife ever shares a weakness in her life with me. It is the same from me to her. Cherish is the right attitude. Nourish is the powerful action. If, however, my response to her weakness is, “I can’t believe you did this,” or hatefully saying, “That was stupid. You know better,” my marriage is not a safe place to reveal anything, because the response is not with an attitude of cherishing or nurturing, but one of despising and rejection.
Your heart needs to be the safest place for unsuspecting news from your spouse. This is not said to create fear and anxiety in your heart. This exhortation is to examine what your heart is like now. 2 Corinthians 13.5 says examine it. Try it. See if it is true to your spouse whatever the news is you receive. If you want to foster intimacy and deep connection before and after a problem is revealed to you on the part of your spouse, start now to focus time, attention, and energy on creating an attitude where your spouse is safe.
Remember, love believes all things, including your spouse (1 Corinthians 13.7). Love also rejoices not in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth (1 Corinthians 13.6). Even though the news may not be pleasant, or may be a total surprise, be glad you are the one to hear it first. Forsake anger, hate, and arguing. Hold to love, commitment, and resolution.
Consider how much it would mean to your spouse if you were like God in Proverbs 18.10: “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.”
