Resources/Articles
Honesty In Marriage
“Wherefore putting away falsehood, speak ye truth each one with his neighbor: for we are members one of another.”
Ephesians 4:25
The development of any relationship depends on honesty. With God, there is nothing hidden. There are no mysteries. God wants man to be honest with Him just as He has been honest with man. God has no intention of deceiving, covering up, or giving man an impression all is well when all is not. That is why God said, “and ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free” (John 8:32).
Every marriage needs to be free and to be honest. Without it, you will fail to solve the simplest marital problems. Lying to your spouse or giving false impressions will leave your spouse ignorant of the facts. In most marriages one of the biggest false impressions may be that both spouses are doing an outstanding job meeting each other’s needs. This form of deceit is often tempting early in marriage. There may have been some areas in which one or both of you were dissatisfied, but you did not want to appear unappreciative. You did not want to risk “hurting” each other by expressing your dissatisfaction. Therefore you minimize the problem.
Only a true expression of your feelings will help you find a solution to your problems. Whenever you do not reveal the complete truth, you cripple your spouse’s ability to meet your needs. You provide a map that leads to failure. Truth is the map that leads to intimacy in marriage.
When Jesus presented the truth, then the people who heard it had the opportunity to respond favorably. Some did. Others wanted to punish Jesus because of the revelation of the truth. At times, when the truth is revealed in marriage, some spouses think only of punishment. They cry, they scream, they hit, they threaten...and all these things just convince their spouse the best thing is to cover his or her crimes more carefully in the future. Therefore, they do not run the risk of an unfavorable response.
How well do you encourage honesty in your marriage? You may say you want your spouse to be honest, but do your own values promote it? How do you answer the following questions?
- If the truth upset you, do you want your spouse to be honest only at a time when you are emotionally prepared?
- Do you keep some aspects of your life secret and do you encourage your spouse to respect your privacy and boundaries in those areas?
- Do you like to create a certain mystery between you and your spouse?
- Are there conditions under which you would not want honesty at all costs between you and your spouse?
If you answer yes to any of these questions, you do not always value honesty. In certain situations, you feel your marriage is better off with dishonesty. You make up “reasons” to be dishonest. As soon as you allow one reason for dishonesty, it becomes easier to allow others. Before you know it, you have a dishonest relationship.
You can encourage honesty by responding with appreciation for the truth, even if it is painful. Learn to say “Thank you for being honest”. Give yourself at least ten minutes to consider the truth you have just heard, then get back together to talk about it. This is similar to the response Paul received in Acts 17 to the message about God in the idolatrous city of Athens: “...Some mocked, but others said, ‘We will hear thee concerning this matter yet again” (Acts 17:32).
Honesty is never your enemy. It is a friend that brings light to a problem that often needs a creative solution. If honesty is followed by pleasant and respectful negotiation, it becomes the first step toward improving your compatibility and love for each other. You will love your marriage more for it.
